And How You Buy It Is Very 21st-Century, Too
Dos and don’ts for first-timers (from a helpful female delivery dealer).
- Published Dec 3, 2014
1. Make sure you have a fucking buzzer and tell us if it doesn’t work. If you have a doorman, please don’t give us a fake name.
2. Have your money ready! I don’t want to wait around while you scramble for it.
3. If you can’t wait two hours for me to show up, I feel sorry for you. Don’t text and harass. You wait an hour for shitty Chinese food; wait for your weed. People in Manhattan are so fucking impatient.
4. Wear clothes. I’ve seen saggy boxer shorts, boobs, breast-feeding mothers. I’ve seen everything short of genitals.
5. If your door guy is problematic, make sure you tell him you are expecting a visitor.
6. If you live with people and you go out before I arrive, tell someone. It’s the worst when roommates or even kids or partners are like, “Who the fuck are you?”
7. Buy in bulk if you can. I often serve college kids who are clearly using their parents’ money and they call every day. Every day! And they buy one each time. Have a little self-control or just buy it all from me at once. I have one customer who I see five times a week. He just buys one each time and barely talks to me. He’s very awkward. No eye contact. Just mumbles.
8. I’m not your friend. I have relationships with a few clients, but you need to keep a distance. They usually ignore me if they see me on the street, or they look at me as if they just saw a zoo animal. I have definitely had weird interactions with dudes (I would never hook up with a customer), but I don’t like interacting with men in New York period. They are a different breed.
9. Don’t shout “Thank you!” when I leave. I don’t have a food bag. The money is the thank-you. Don’t be so obvious.
10. If there’s a blizzard, consider tipping. In general tipping is not expected, but if I have walked on foot through the snow, it’s the polite thing to do. We were open during Sandy! It was hard because there was hardly any cell-phone coverage or transport, and many customers didn’t even tip!
11. Don’t call when you are having a party.
12. If your partner doesn’t know you smoke, get a new partner. Please don’t put me in the middle of that.
13. If you have kids, put them in another room. I had one guy who tried to get me to hide behind a Dumpster because he had his kids with him and he was involved in a custody battle. I’ve seen a woman bust open her daughter’s piggy bank to get cash to pay me.
14. Once I’m there, you gotta buy something. You can’t tell me you don’t like the selection I have to offer. It doesn’t work like that. I have to be strong about that. It’s important to maintain your power.
15. When you send your initial text for us to come over, be cool. Just say “Can you come hang?” or “Can you come by?” Don’t use the words weed, pot, or marijuana, and don’t ask if I am a cop. Don’t use the word cop. Period. Don’t tell me you aren’t a cop. Just don’t say cop.
16. It’s nice to offer food or a drink, but not necessary. This happens a lot, I guess because stoners like to eat.
17. It’s nice to offer the restroom. I will always use it when offered and I hate to ask. I’ll admit, I’ve stolen tampons and Band-Aids. Hey, I’m out on the street all day. Once I was angry because the customer was late, wasted, and lippy, so I stole their elite pearl deluxe tampons when I used the restroom.
18. Don’t be too weird. I once visited a guy in Soho who had the most sterile, creepy apartment. He proudly informed me that he has cameras everywhere. I never went back.
Dos and don'ts for first-timers (from a helpful female delivery dealer).
I’m traveling to NYC to see a show (Joshua Light Show) that would be greatly enhanced by a nice sativa. As I don’t have any local options, I contacted someone advertising a delivery service on craigslist. He promptly replied, asking for my phone number so we can touch base when I get there.
I’m not getting a sketchy vibe from this guy, but I find myself getting cold feet now. I’m not worried about the police being interested in the tiny amount I’d be purchasing, and if I end up getting scammed I wouldn’t be out that much money. But is this a really bad idea for some reason I’m not considering?
Throwaway e-mail: [email protected]
Know your dealer.
This is an important rule for a lot of reasons, not just the obvious ones. If you don’t at least know someone who can vouch for him then it’s kind of a big risk. If you get fucked on the deal, it’s not like you can go to the cops or the Better Business Bureau.
Also, yeah, no one who’s worth a damn will advertise on Craigslist in NYC. The risk is altogether small, but not small enough that I’d take the chance.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:18 AM on September 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Please don’t ever ever buy any kind of shit from someone you don’t know. When finding a dealer anonymously the only thing you know about them is that they arn’t afraid of jail or stupid risks, and the only thing they know about you is that you’re dumb enough to take stupid risks, are carrying money, and arn’t going to go to the police. THIS IS A REALLY STUPID DYNAMIC that you really don’t want to be in.
Besides, these days more than half of the pot in the United States is grown and trafficked by Mexican cartels; and your already bad odds of giving those fuckers money goes up dramatically the more stupid and sketchy shit you do. Even if you don’t care about keeping yourself safe, please give a damn about your more vulnerable neighbors.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:04 AM on September 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
Do not buy drugs or sex over the Internet, ever. This is a life rule.
Pretty sure you’ll do fine outside the Skirball Center. Though it should be noted that Washington Square Park is full both of drug dealers and cops, and one or both of those can be a real annoyance.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:44 AM on September 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Ask MetaFilter I’m traveling to NYC to see a show (Joshua Light Show) that would be greatly enhanced by a nice sativa. As I don’t have any local options, I contacted someone advertising a