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my husband is a pothead

What Smoking Weed Can Do To Your Relationship

Smoking marijuana is affecting your dating and sex life more than you think.

Now that 23 states and DC have legalized weed, 4 of them for recreational use as well as medical, the debate about whether it enhances – or ruins – sex and relationships is raging hotter than ever. Can a couple survive when only one is a pothead? Does weed make sex mind-blowing or forgettable? Here, eight readers light up the highs and lows of dating in the stoned age.

The Productive Pothead

“My boyfriend and I both smoke weed, and that’s just a part of our lives. Just like I do yoga and he rides bikes, it’s just another thing. We buy weed together. He packs bowls for me — he’s the organizer of all the weed stuff, and I just smoke it. My boyfriend is an engineer for a tech start-up, and I run my own business as a web designer. We both attribute the amount of weed we smoke — we light up almost every day — to the fact that our jobs are so highly technical. It helps us turn our brains off from that mode. If you’re a functional pothead, you don’t have to think twice about it.” – Emily, 28, web designer, San Francisco, CA

The Post-Alcohol Smoker

“My boyfriend is pretty much the only person I smoke with. at home, at night, or on weekends during the day. When we have sex after smoking, there’s definitely more of an observational quality to it. I’m kind of outside myself, observing, instead of in it and in my head. A kind of cool detachment happens. And afterward, I feel like I’m more open to talking about something that happened or something that I liked. Alcohol for me is definitely a depressive experience. I used to have so much fun when I drank, and now it’s just not that fun anymore. When I smoke, I like who I am a little bit more, and I’m able to express myself better.” – Kristin, start-up founder, NYC

The Third Wheel

“I was dating this guy who was otherwise very sweet and wonderful, but there was an addiction issue. He couldn’t go to parties without knowing at what point in the night he’d get to go back to his place, or go somewhere else, and smoke. The only way he could get out of bed or get ready for the day (he was in school at the time) was to smoke. It was embarrassing to have to explain to friends. There’s a difference between the casual stoner who prefers smoking to drinking and the guy who can’t have normal social behavior. It got to a point where I just became so frustrated with the inconvenience. It really doesn’t work for me to be out at a restaurant or have plans to go see a play later and for him to say ‘I can’t because I have to go smoke.’ That necessity was totally disruptive. It was like having a third person in the relationship. I broke it off.” – Lee, 24, fundraiser, Boston, MA

The Medical Marvel

“Depression has run in my family for generations. I started going to therapy for it in sixth grade. I’ve tried every antidepressant under the sun, and nothing ever really worked for me. But I keep taking them just to keep it in check. Now I’m taking Celexa. In college, I had no sex drive whatsoever. I bounced around on different medications to try to fix that, and nothing really helped until I tried smoking. Now, I am an everyday weed smoker, and I do think it helps my depression. and my relationship with my boyfriend. When I smoke, I get very relaxed and super horny. I’m like a ravenous frat boy. I had a boyfriend with a very low sex drive, and it was too much for him. It was always a point of contention. But my current boyfriend loves it!” – Meghan, 29, journalist, NYC

The Industry Insider

“My boyfriend is super supportive of me being in this industry, working for a vaporizer company. He’s a musician, and cannabis and music often go hand in hand. He’s totally supportive and actually very helpful. All his friends come over and try the vaporizers, giving real-time feedback. The way dating is today, the girl can be the aggressive one, going after the guy. A bunch of my friends don’t use cannabis, and they’re like, ‘How do you do that?’ And I’m like, ‘You just invite them over to hit the vape.’ Then the guys are like, ‘Oh my god, this is the coolest girl ever. I want to marry her.'” – Brianna, 28, director of marketing for a vaporizer company, Nashville, TN

The Stoner Buddy

“I love my boyfriend so much, but when he is stoned, he becomes a different person. He’s totally out of it and quiet, and his breath and saliva taste really different and not appealing. He has this one friend he’s always smoking weed with, and I think that’s also what bums me out most. The fact that when he gets with this one friend, it’s all about doing drugs. I just feel like when you get into real life — aka after college — it’s important not to have your social activities revolve around drugs, no matter how innocuous they seem.” – Emily, 26, writer’s assistant, Los Angeles, CA

The Dating Dilemma

“I seem to gravitate toward a certain type. They are always creative and very passionate about what they do, but they also happen to be very big pot smokers. It’s like they need pot to enrich their creative selves. They become so dependent on smoking all the time that you don’t know if you like the person better stoned or not stoned. It gets to the point where it is confusing what their true nature is. With one guy I dated, smoking was so much of who he was, I never really knew when he was and wasn’t high, what was his pure nature and what was his stoned nature. I think I liked him better high — he was less edgy. But I would question myself. Is it bad that I like his altered version more? Pot can definitely make it hard to connect, especially when you’re first getting to know someone.” – Jillian, 25, graphic designer, NYC

The Colorado Quitter

“I am more likely to have drinks on a date than smoke weed. Even though weed is legal in Colorado, you can’t smoke in restaurants or some other public places, so it usually happens at someone’s house. My friends always said having sex while high on weed was so good that you shouldn’t do it, because you wouldn’t enjoy sober sex as much. They were right — when I tried it, it was awesome. High sex makes your mind and body more sensitive to pleasure, and in comparison to drunk sex, it’s less. aggressive? You don’t remember the act of it as much as the feeling because you are in another state of mind. I had a bad experience with weed a couple of months ago where I fainted, so I stopped smoking. Even though I liked high sex, I think it’s more important to enjoy sex with your partner sober because you’re more focused on each other’s needs, rather than just being horny because you’re high.” – Christina, 22, marketing student, Boulder, CO

This was originally published as “Love & Sex & Weed” in the August 2015 issue of Cosmopolitan. Click here to subscribe to the digital edition.

Smoking marijuana is affecting your dating and sex life more than you think.

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Q I have a high-paying job compared to my husband, Harold, of 21 years, who has been a public school teacher. He has a pension. I have profit-sharing, a 401(k) plan, plus stock. Our money is kept in our respective accounts. We have a household account into which we pay money based on the percentage difference of our income. We have two daughters — 17 and 15 — who attend public school.

For years — before smoking marijuana was legal — when Harold came home from his work, he’d sit before the TV smoking weed and drinking beer until he passed out in his chair. On weekends, he went to the kids’ games before resuming his post. Beyond working, each weekday evening I prepared the girls’ school lunches for the next day and the next evening’s dinner.

I want to divorce Harold. Because he’s a creature of habit, he’ll drag his feet and refuse to move from our home, which is OK with me. How should I go forward? What will we each end up with?

A First, tell no one that you want a divorce — not even a real estate broker you ask to show you houses for sale somewhat near your present home. If you move to another city or town, the girls will probably want to finish school while living with their dad. So you’ll have to pay child support to Harold based on the court-determined formula.

Second, after buying your new home, without notice to Harold, hire a company to move your personal property and any family heirlooms you may have. Leave Harold this note: “I decided to divorce you. I bought a new home and moved my stuff from here to there.”

Third, later that day, pick your children up from school to tell them what you did. If your new home is in another city or town, explain you’d love to have them come live with you, but you’d understand if they wanted to finish school there. However, because they are old enough to have a say, be clear they are always welcome — they can spend time with you on weekends and holidays.

Your assets will be equally divided. Half of each retirement fund, profit-sharing plan, etc., will be rolled over, tax free, to the other­ spouse. Half of your company stock will be transferred to Harold, who can also elect to pay the expenses of exercising any vested stock options.

Because of the differences in income, you’ll be paying child support to Harold based on a court-imposed formula. To get alimony, Harold must prove he needs that money to maintain his current standard of living.

Two last points: Although they love their dad, your daughters probably have wondered for years why you didn’t divorce him. In calculating alimony, the judge won’t include the cost of Harold’s weed in his stated needs.

Q I have a high-paying job compared to my husband, Harold, of 21 years, who has been a public school teacher. He has a pension. I have profit-sharing, a 401(k) plan, plus stock. Our money is kept in our respective accounts. We have a household account into which we pay money based on the percentage […]